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EXT. DEEP AND DARKEST AFRICAСтр 1 из 34Следующая ⇒
THE TONY CLIFTON STORY Second Draft Screenplay by ANDY KAUFMAN & BOB ZMUDA January 1, 1980 PRODUCERS George Shapiro Howard West Transcribed by DON ALEX HIXX SUBTERRANEAN CINEMA http: //www.subcin.com
THE TONY CLIFTON STORY FADE IN EXT. DEEP AND DARKEST AFRICA We see the war of the wind as it wrestles against the forest. The weakness of the tree, the strength of the bush. We hear the persistent beat of the drum as it draws us deeper and deeper into the pulsating heart of the jungle. “CONGO - THE PRESENT” is supered on the screen. EXT. CANNIBAL VILLAGE Made up of thatched huts and weathered reminders of lost aircraft. We see the inhabitants of this village -- totally uncivilized black savages. Ubangi lips, bones through noses and carved faces. A ritual is taking place. A huge pot of water is being heated. Skulls impaled upon lances, some still wearing aviation goggles, stare piteously down upon the occasion. Just now, a wild enticing dance is taking place. Bodies are sweating. The water begins to boil. TRIBAL DANCERS Are in a hypnotic frenzy. The dance is building to a crescendo. It is suddenly cut short by the Chief Headhunter, who looks up into the sky, sensing something before we do. CHIEF HEADHUNTER Ola Mu Ta. Immediately the tribesmen cease their dance and look upward. CHIEF HEADHUNTER (pointing up) Ola Mu Ta. The magic has worked. Soon we hear the distant sound of an airplane, its engines failing, followed by the fall to earth and the crash. The savages let out a bloodcurdling scream and dash for the crash sight. CRASH SIGHT Pieces of a small cargo plane strewn throughout the jungle. The pilot is dead. Like hungry birds of prey, the tribe tears through the debris looking for other less fortunate victims. One savage spots what appears to be an arm sticking out from under some twisted metal. Excitedly he pulls at it, releasing a life-size cut-out of Frank Sinatra. SPLINTERED CRATE - SHIPPING PANEL It reads: “RECORD PROMOTION - LICORICE PIZZA, ZAIRE, AFRICA.” Camera opens up to reveal scattered record albums, tape recorders, cassette tapes, etc. A NATIVE Quizzically studying a Frank Sinatra album as if it were some sort of strange new fruit. He unpeels the cover, revealing a shiny black disc; he sniffs it and ever so gently puts it to his ear. Finally, he takes a bite and spits it out in disgust. CHIEF HEADHUNTER ravaging through debris. Something captures his attention... a Sony tape recorder that is bent ridiculously out of shape. He picks it up, looks at it from every angle, licks it -- not edible. He throws it down, and in doing so the playback switch flips on. Immediately the jungle is filled with the voice of Frank Sinatra. SINATRA'S VOICE “Strangers in the night... exchanging glances, wond'ring in the night... what were the chances...” All the natives hit the deck. The whole jungle is cast into silence as Old Blue Eyes tells it like it is. SINATRA'S VOICE “We'd be sharing love... before the night was through...” As the natives lie there petrified, our camera pans up through the trees into the clouds. TITLES OVER: SINATRA'S VOICE “Something in your eyes... was so inviting, something in your smile... was so exciting... something in my heart... told me I must have you... Strangers in the night... two lonely people we were... Strangers in the night... up to the moment when we said our first hello... Little did we know, love was just a glance away, a warm embracing dance away and...” We travel from the jungles of Africa to the jungles of South Philadelphia. Dawn is breaking. SINATRA'S VOICE “Ever since that night... we've been together, lovers at first sight... In love forever. It turned out so right... for strangers in the night.” EXT. LOW INCOME DISTRICT - MORNING As the do-be-do-be-doo's fade to an end, our camera closes in on an open second-story window. Faded curtains wave in the breeze as the camera moves into the room. We see a TV that has been left on all night with a test pattern that is not quite holding vertical. Then we see a nightstand; on it is an ashtray overflowing with burned out Lucky Strikes. Also a newspaper, with headlines: “ILLEGAL ALIENS ENTERING COUNTRY -- POLICE CHECKING FOR GREEN CARDS.” A black toupee sits on a headstand next to an autographed picture of Frank Sinatra. The signature looks as if a child had written it. All this belongs to a baldheaded figure who is lying in bed talking in his sleep. TONY MICKEY CLOCK Good morning, Mousekateers! Time to wake up! Brush your teeth. Have a nice day. TONY Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me. MICKEY CLOCK Good morning, Mousekateers! Time to wake up! Brush your teeth. Have a nice day. TONY Come on, give me a break... I'm sleepin' here. MICKEY CLOCK Good morning, Mousekateers! Time to wake up! Brush your teeth. TONY Don't gimme that crap... I'll push MICKEY CLOCK Comb your hair. It stops. Tony is half awake. For the other half to rise, he needs a cigarette. He reaches for the Lucky Strike pack. Empty. More moans. Next he fiddles for his wig and places it on his head. He gets up out of bed. TONY Where's a cigarette? I gotta have a cigarette. KID 1 Yeah, so's your old man. KID 2 Hey, cool it. Tony's up. KID 3 Five will get you ten He bums a cigarette. KID 2 (yelling up to Tony) Hey, Tony, how you doin'? TONY Yeah, yeah. Please, please. How ya doin', how ya doin'. Listen, does anybody have A cigarette on 'em? KID 2 (throwing Tony a cig) Sure, Ton! ... TONY TONY (coming to life) How ya doin'! How ya doin'! KID 1 (to other kids) Who's Sophia Loren? KID 2 Tony, I don't know how You do it every night. TONY I'll tell ya, it's all in da foreplay... TONY SLOW DISSOLVE INT. SALT & PEPPER SHAKER PLANT - ASSEMBLY LINE - WORKERS Busy on the line. As the camera pans their faces, we see bleak expressions mirroring the monotony of their jobs. We end on Tony, screwing the tops on salt and pepper shakers as they go by on a conveyor belt. Next to him is Bugsy Meyer, Tony's pal. TONY (bragging) BUGSY Two of 'em, wow! TONY That's right, two of em... Just like a ham sandwich. BUGSY Gee. CUT TO KONWAY KONWAY (taking toothpick out of mouth) AUNTY DEB KONWAY TONY KONWAY (mockingly) Two of 'em, just like a ham sandwich... TONY KONWAY Bullshit! TONY (remembering the kids That morning) Yeah, so's your old man! WORKER 1 Will you guys quit it... The boss is gonna hear you. TONY KONWAY Oh, yeah? TONY Yeah! KONWAY TONY I'll tell ya how it looks. KONWAY Okay, tell me. TONY It looks just like a... (stumped) Ham sandwich. KONWAY TONY BUGSY Tony, take it easy. TONY He ain't tellin' me I've Never seen how it looks. KONWAY (giving him the finger) Get bent. TONY That's it, fella, KONWAY What are you talking about? I didn't even touch you. TONY (rabid) Or I'll call a cop. KONWAY You're wacko, man... Nobody's even touching you. TONY Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me. CUT TO FOREMAN TONY Getcha hands off me. I'll call a cop. WORKER 1 Now you guys've done it. Here come the boss. FOREMAN BUGSY Why nothin', Mr. Rathman. KONWAY With the stories again. Now he's tellin' us he had TONY FOREMAN About your screwin'. TONY (making no sense) FOREMAN (bewildered) He leaves. TONY (to Bugsy) TONY (mumbling) BUGSY Take it easy, Tony. You heard the boss... TONY KONWAY Watch it, Clifton, TONY WORKER 1 Will you guys stop already? TONY One a these days I'm gonna walk right outta here! KONWAY TONY It's a threat and a promise. WORKER 1 BUGSY Tony, please. TONY All right. (aside to Bugsy) Dere must be somethin' more Y'know what I mean? BUGSY (trying to comprehend what Tony just said) Yeah.... (pause) TONY BUGSY A disco? ... Those girls are a little TONY Da way I look at it Bugsy is... BUGSY (embarrassed) Gee, Tony, I don't know. TONY BUGSY TONY CUT TO INT. DISCOTHEQUE - LATER Laser lighting, fog machines, vibrating dance floor. Couples are dancing to the latest disco hits. There's no one over 25 in the place. We hear the theme from “Saturday Night Fever” and at any moment we'd expect Travolta to walk in. Instead, Clifton appears. He's dressed to kill. Peach tuxedo with cumberbun. With him is an uncomfortable Bugsy. BUGSY TONY TONY Watch dis... I'm gonna show ya how it's done. TONY GIRL Would I what? TONY GIRL Get lost, asshole. She leaves. TONY Tony struts back to Bugsy. BUGSY What did she say? TONY What did who say? BUGSY TONY (whispering) CUT TO A FEW SECONDS LATER - TONY & BUGSY TONY I'd like ta make a toast. (seriously) To Frank and da boys. BUGSY Frank and the boys. TONY TONY (smirk) Get this one. Polish parachute... Opens on impact. (smirk) Polish firin' squad... They stand in a circle. (smirk) TONY Get a load a da bazookas on dat one! BUGSY Wow! TONY (getting up) INT. BATHROOM - TONY TONY (yelling) Is anybody here? TONY Hey, is anybody home? Is anybody home... I need toilet paper. WASHROOM VALET PEE WEE TONY PEE WEE Well, why din't ya say so? TONY I'm sayin' so. PEE WEE TONY PEE WEE (hands him toilet paper) Okay, ya got it now. TONY If y'know what I mean. PEE WEE TONY It's a joke. It's a joke. Don't squeeze da Charmin. It's from television. TONY Not too hard, not too hard, You'll damage da threads. PEE WEE Ya need a little cologne? TONY Well, whatta ya got dere? PEE WEE TONY Oh, yeah! What's it called? PEE WEE Purple Passion. TONY Purple Passion? PEE WEE Dere it is, right dere. PEE WEE TONY Oh, yeah? Any girl I want, huh? ... I don't need any help. PEE WEE I can see dat! I can see a man in yo' sitchation don't need dis. But ya put just a little splash a dis stuff on an' it makes it justa little bit easier. TONY Dat's right.. a little bit easier... Make da girl enjoy it more. PEE WEE Dat's right, you got it. TONY Not that she's not gonna enjoy me in da first place. PEE WEE Oh no, not dat. TONY CLOSEUP - BOTTLE PEE WEE TONY PEE WEE TONY Nine dollars! PEE WEE TONY Like hotcakes, huh? PEE WEE All the way from Taiwan. TONY Taiwan, huh? PEE WEE Dat's right... dis stuff'll change yo' life. TONY Change my life, huh? ... All right, I'll take it. PEE WEE PEE WEE I think you be puttin' too much o' dat stuff on! TONY PEE WEE I don't know what you mean. TONY PEE WEE (interrupting) TONY Whatta ya talkin' about? PEE WEE Whatta ya think I'm talkin' about? I'm talkin' TONY Ya want a tip, huh? PEE WEE Dat's right. TONY Tell me, how much ya want? PEE WEE TONY Whatever I wanna give ya? PEE WEE Dat's right. TONY How about a penny? PEE WEE A penny! I don't want no penny. TONY Here's a penny. PEE WEE (furious) What? Get outta here! TONY Here. See if ya can catch This one in your mouth. (flips another coin) PEE WEE TONY (authoritative) By da way... I wanna see your green card. PEE WEE Green card! I don't need no green card. On da plantation. TONY If y'know what I mean. PEE WEE I don't know what you mean! You just get outta here! TONY Douses himself again with Purple Passion. We can actually see the fumes rising off his person. Tony makes his way through the crowd, which parts like the Red Sea to let him and his scent pass. He walks up to a Girl. TONY How ya doin', honey? GIRL You smell! TONY TONY Well, well, well... what have we here. TONY (continuing anyway) Kaboodle... kaboodle... sounds just like ah... TONY CUT TO BUGSY At the bar drinking. BARTENDER You want another one? BUGSY No thanks, one's plenty. BUGSY TONY Well, I'm pleased ta report BUGSY No. Jesus! What's that smell? TONY My little secret. (proud smirk) Bugsy, tell me, what's that Dance they're doin' dere? BUGSY TONY The hustle! It looks more like da bustle ta me. BUGSY Tony, don't. TONY (yelling) Stop da music... stop da music. TONY BOY 1 Get lost! BOY 2 I think your prom date just left without you! TONY TONY (twisting) This is how it's done. Okay, okay, get your TONY I call da “Clifton Strut”. INT. DISCO - LATER - CLOCK TONY Eatin' dis bowl a noodles. BUGSY We have to work tomorrow. TONY Whatta ya mean... da evenin's still young. Lemme buy ya another drink. BARTENDER TONY Whatta ya mean? BARTENDER You're gonna have to leave. TONY BARTENDER TONY Why didn't ya tell a guy? BARTENDER TONY BARTENDER You ain't nursing no drink. TONY BARTENDER I didn't touch you. TONY The owner comes over. OWNER TONY OWNER BARTENDER OWNER TONY Closed, huh? Okay, fine! OWNER Okay, fine. No problem. If you just leave with your partner here... TONY OWNER Fine, Mr. Clifton Esquire, now if you would just... TONY BARTENDER (pissed) OWNER (aside to Bartender) TONY Come on, Tony, let's go. TONY You will never see my face around here again... TONY OWNER (to Bartender) TONY TONY What? Did I hear somethin'? I'm waitin'... did I hear somethin'? TONY And another thing... I'm gonna tell da OWNER (to Bartender) EXT. DISCO - NIGHT - BUGSY Getting into a cab. BUGSY TONY No, I think I'm gonna walk around a little... BUGSY Communicate her one for me. TONY TONY (to driver) I got your number. (to Bugsy) Take care, Bugs. TONY NORMAN TONY NORMAN (by rote) We have three different types... The half hour, the hour, TONY What's da difference? NORMAN (puts down magazine) TONY Well just tell me, NORMAN (losing patience) Third massage you get both. TONY What if I want a hot towel, But I don't want a massage? NORMAN That's it. I've had enough. TONY Wait a minute... NORMAN TONY More question, if I may. (smirk) Were you born or hatched? TONY It was a joke! ... Really. I was only kiddin', it was just a joke! Just one last question, NORMAN (stepping out of booth) TONY NORMAN (for the last time) TONY The “real thing”, huh? NORMAN Correct. TONY That sounds good ta me. Could I see da girls first? NORMAN Get the fuck out of here! The day you buy the deluxe Is the day I become pope. TONY NORMAN (money always does the trick) TONY Thank you, my good man. NORMAN TONY (interrupting) NORMAN (agreeing) That's right, X rated. NORMAN CUT TO ANNA (putting on coat) All right, you guys... Moma's got to go to work. ANNA ANNA Oh! Sorry guys, I almost forgot! ANNA Bye! She walks out the door. We see Anna just arriving. ANNA Hi, Norman! NORMAN Hello, baby. You're late. ANNA NORMAN Yeah, yeah I know, the animals! ANNA NORMAN Gas 'em. ANNA What's that? NORMAN TONY (big ending) “When I come home to you, San Francisco... your golden light will shine on me.” Girls applaud. CANDY Tony, that was wonderful! TONY Really! Ya think so? CANDY Really! I think you sounded Just like Tony Bennett. MARGO (winking to Candy) Oh, no! More like Frank Sinatra. TONY I sound like Frank? MARGO Better! KITTY TONY Well, I've sorta been workin' KITTY TONY Eighteen years. CANDY Eighteen years! You're being wasted Have a singing career. TONY Oh, yeah! Ya think I could become big, huh? CANDY Sure! You could have records out. TONY (dreamlike) Just like Frank! Get a load of dis one. (singing) “I have often walked down this street before.” CANDY Tony, we'd love to stay but It's that time again and we TONY Oh! Well, here's some more money for ya. TONY (singing) “I have often walked down this CANDY No back massage, nothin'. CANDY What's the matter? ANNA For my money, that's all. CANDY ANNA The man's a customer and he should get what he paid for! CANDY All right! Then you take him upstairs. Walks in. Tony spots her. TONY Well, well, well... what have we here. ANNA My name is Anna. TONY You're a very pretty lady. ANNA You've spent enough. TONY Where's everybody goin'? ANNA TONY Where are we goin'? ANNA Upstairs. TONY (nervous) Wait... wait... wait a minute. What... what are we doin' here? Before we do anything, ANNA (undressing) Tony sees her nude. TONY TONY Wait... wait... wait a minute. I wanna tell ya somethin'. (staring down at his feet) ANNA Ssssh. Together they descend to the bed as we: SLOW FADE MICKEY CLOCK Good morning, Mousekateers! Time to wake up! Brush your teeth. Have a nice day. CUT TO Busy on the line. There is an empty space where Tony usually is. We see the Foreman pacing back and forth. Konway is picking his teeth with delight. Bugsy worriedly looks up at the clock. The time is 10: 17. CUT TO The street has taken on a new look. Merchants have replaced hookers. The sun is shining and birds are singing. Anna's car is in the same spot. Tony is just now leaving, obviously a changed man. He reaches for a cigarette, thinks twice and puts it back in the pack. He starts strolling down the street greeting each and every person he passes. TONY How ya doin'! Beautiful day, isn't it. Top a da mornin' to ya! TONY Oh, look at that, look how cute! KID 1 Hey, Tony! Just gettin' up? KID 2 Yeah! She must of been a real “hot one” last night, huh, Ton?
TONY He continues on his way. KID 1 KID 2 Maybe he dropped acid! CUT TO PEE WEE (yapping) WORKER 1 Green card! (to Konway) KONWAY (assured) No one's as bad as Clifton! (smiles at Pee Wee) PEE WEE (popping eyes) I can't believe my poppin' eyes! KONWAY Clifton! FOREMAN (running to Tony) Clifton, you're fired! TONY Fired? (spots Pee Wee) Hey! What's he doin' here? PEE WEE Your job! You've been dumped, chump! TONY Dis guy's an illegal alien. FOREMAN TONY BUGSY Quit! Gee, Ton, what didja win, Da sweepstakes? TONY Is my own personal secret. (smirk, smirk) KONWAY Oh, Christ! TONY On a singin' career. PEE WEE Ya better embark... you ain't gettin' dis job back! TONY FOREMAN (unimpressed) Wonderful, Tony. I'm happy for you. Could you leave now? TONY I'm leavin', I'm leavin. (not leaving) I'll probably have my own TV show... BUGSY I'll buy one, Tony! AUNTY DEB FOREMAN (to Bugsy and Aunty Deb) Both of you back to work! Or I'll can you, too! TONY Okay, okay, take it easy... TONY TONY FADE OUT FADE IN “HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA” Is supered on the screen. INT. IMPROVISATION CLUB The well-known Hollywood night spot, considered the granddaddy of the comedy showcase. The joint's jammed. On stage a stand-up comedian is plying his trade... in the kitchen so is the cook. ZMUDA What's wrong? WAITRESS (ready to crack) ZMUDA (matter of factly) So bust his. WAITRESS Sure, and get myself fired! ZMUDA What's his order? WAITRESS ZMUDA ZMUDA FOREIGN MAN (to Zmuda) Excuse me, pleeze... is dis dee kitchen? ZMUDA Who the hell are you? FOREIGN MAN Dee boss... he tell me... I am to go on dee ZMUDA Oh, he did, did he? (getting mad) ZMUDA ... and cut off... ... your FUCKING HEAD!!! BUDD (to Foreign Man) You're next, kid. CUT TO Is performing. FOREIGN MAN For my next impression, FOREIGN MAN You meathead! Get out of dee chair. You dingbat! Get back in dee kitchen and fix me dee food... everybody is stupid. (bowing) Dank you veddy much. The audience breaks up. FOREIGN MAN The band vamps as Foreign Man turns around once more. He puts on an Elvis jacket, combs his hair and straps on a guitar. When he turns back around the metamorphose is complete. He IS the King of Rock and Roll. He approaches the mike and this time speaks in an exact Presley dialect. ELVIS Thank you very much. Audience goes crazy. ELVIS The first song I ever recorded... I think it was in 1921... ELVIS ELVIS (singing) “When you find your sweetheart in When your heartaches begin. CUT TO ANDY (routinely; to Zmuda) So, what did you think? ZMUDA BUDD This is George Shapiro. ANDY (shaking hands with George) Hello. GEORGE ANDY Oh, thank you. BUDD ANDY Oh! This is my friend, Bob Zmuda. GEORGE Oh, yeah? ZMUDA Just the stuff that works. GEORGE Well, it was just terrific... I'm very ANDY You mean it? Wow! BUDD ANDY (to George) Thank you. GEORGE Bob, nice meeting you. ZMUDA You too, George. ZMUDA (whispers) Kaufman nods. ZMUDA (tries to get Kaufman out of it) Come on, Kaufman, you can't possibly still be serious about that! (realizes Kauman is serious) You are!! (seriously) ANDY (intrigued) You think so? ZMUDA Why not? (presentational) And now, ladies and gentlemen... Tells us a true life story. (applauds) ANDY ZMUDA (helping him out) ANDY ZMUDA Now, be serious. ANDY I am. ANDY CUT TO We see a gym class of both boys and girls. Two team captains (both boys) are choosing players for a game of baseball. Little Andy Kaufman, along with two other boys and six girls, has yet to be chosen. CAPTAIN 1 I'll take Mike. CAPTAIN 2 I'll take... Paul, Paul Hollis. CAPTAIN I'll take... Mary Lou. She walks over. CAPTAIN I'll take Peggy. CAPTAIN 1 Carol. CAPTAIN 2 Sue. CAPTAIN 1 Ruth. CAPTAIN 2 I'll take... Barbara. PLAYER That means we're stuck with Kaufman! CAPTAIN 1 (threateningly) Kaufman, you better not drop any balls! CUT TO LEFT FIELD - MOMENTS LATER Where we see Little Andy talking to himself and totally oblivious to the game he's playing. A fly ball has been hit deep into left field. Eventually the shouts of his own teammates bring him around, but they're too late. The ball flies over his head. He runs after it. It rolls to a stop right at the feet of an adorable little girl. She reaches for it at the exact same moment Andy does. Their hands touch; she looks him in the eye and smiles. ANDY (v.o.) CUT TO ANDY (v.o.) That I loved her. CUT TO In bed, tears in his eyes. ANDY (v.o.) ANDY (v.o.) Fields to become famous in. Playing the congas. ANDY (v.o.) It was the logical choice. End flashback. Mesmerized by the story. ANDY WAITRESS Another cheeseburger... and guess who for? (she smiles) FADE OUT FADE IN “SIX MONTHS LATER” Is supered on the screen. INT. ”TAXI” SET LATKA (straight into camera) Dank you veddy much. DIRECTOR All right, that's a rap! DIRECTOR Great show, Andy! ANDY Thank you! Thank you very much. FAN ANDY Sure! Sure here you go. What's your name? FAN Mary. ANDY (signing autograph) FAN Why, thank you. I watch you ANDY INT. ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM ANDY Hey! Hi, George. GEORGE Hi! Terrific show! ANDY Thank you. GEORGE ANDY Really! GEORGE ZMUDA Things are looking up. GEORGE Next you'll play Macomb University... And finally, Philadelphia. ANDY (excited) Am I headlining? GEORGE ANDY Really!! GEORGE ANDY I do!? GEORGE (proud) You see what six months On a hit sitcom can do. ANDY Come in. A Security Guard enters. SECURITY GUARD ANDY To see me? SECURITY GUARD Yes, she says she went to Grammar school with you. Kaufman turns pale. SECURITY GUARD Her name is... Marilyn Comstack. Zmuda picks right up on it. ZMUDA Andy, that's not? ANDY (stunned) It's her. GEORGE Who? ANDY Marilyn Comstack... from grammar school. ZMUDA Jesus Christ! ANDY (nervous) What am I gonna do? ZMUDA ANDY I don't believe it! ZMUDA ANDY No! ZMUDA (to Security Guard) Have her come up, please. The Security Guard leaves. ZMUDA, ANDY Please don't. GEORGE Who is Marilyn Comstack? ZMUDA ANDY ZMUDA (ensuring confidence) Your career -- remember? They leave. Kaufman frantically paces. Soon there is a knock at the door. He summons all his courage and opens it. We see Marilyn Comstack, grown up. She is still adorable. She smiles exactly like she did that day in left field. FADE OUT FADE IN EXT. SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE “San Diego, California” is supered on the screen. There is foot stomping in the bleachers as they await the beginning of the show. A few are holding up signs that way, “Dank You Veddy Much”, “San Diego State Welcomes Andy”. Zmuda walks out on stage as the audience applauds in anticipation. The band starts to vamp. Zmuda approaches the mike. ZMUDA DISSOLVE TO EXT. SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE “CHICAGO, ILLINOIS” is supered on the screen. CHORUS “Mr. Trouble never hands around when he hears this mighty sound.” MIGHTY MOUSE'S VOICE “Here I come to save the day.” DISSOLVE TO EXT. SPEEDING MOTORBOAT “LAKE GENEVA, WISCONSIN” is supered on the screen. ANDY Year at harvest time in the Islands of the Caspian Sea. DISSOLVE TO PLANE ANDY (in Latka voice) Dank you veddy much. The audience goes crazy. ANDY (own voice) ANDY (singing) “The world is such a wonderful place to ANDY FADE OUT FADE IN ANDY ZMUDA Andy, if she wanted to eat, She would have come along. ANDY She still might be hungry. ZMUDA ANDY ZMUDA What the hell is that? TONY Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me. WAITRESS TONY WAITRESS TONY (pointing to wall) WAITRESS Just move along. I don't Want to call the police. TONY TONY (continuing) Wait a minute, getcha hands off me... ZMUDA Oh man, get a load of this ANDY ZMUDA Too late. Tony walks up to them. TONY ANDY No, no, I'm Andy Kaufman. TONY That's right, Kaufman... Kaufman. ANDY TONY Yeah, well, you're welcome. ANDY TONY (exploding) WAITRESS TONY ANDY It's all right, miss. TONY Waitress leaves in a huff. TONY (man to man) There'd be bounties on 'em. (smirk, smirk) ANDY (about to sign) What's your name? TONY Tony... Tony Clifton. ANDY (writing) TONY Thank you, thank you very much... or should I saw, “dank you veddy much! ” I see you ANDY Yeah. TONY I sign mine “lots of luck”. TONY ANDY You do in the business? TONY I do it all. I sing songs... I dance... I tell ANDY Well, thank you. TONY Porterhouse Lounge. It's on I better get back. ANDY TONY (leaving) If y'know what I mean. (smirk) He leaves. ZMUDA Unbelievable. ANDY (holding photo) EMCEE All right, that was... (looking at list) Maureen Bakula. Let's hear it for Maureen. Applause. EMCEE All right, now we're going to call number twenty-seven... Number twenty-seven HOSTESS Yes, two? ANDY HOSTESS Who? ANDY HOSTESS Singing here... so are they. HOSTESS Along with musicians, comics... A dog barks. ZMUDA (to Kaufman) Headlining, huh?! HOSTESS This way, please. EMCEE EMCEE All right, next is number Twenty-eight, Budd Lewis. (looks into audience) ZMUDA Here we go. ANDY Oh, man. EMCEE Tony Clifton... Tony Clifton. TONY I'm comin', I'm comin'... Keep your pants on. EMCEE TONY EMCEE TONY I don't have any music. EMCEE TONY No... I don't need no piano player. EMCEE TONY Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got accompaniment! ZMUDA (through teeth) Oh, my God, Kaufman... the man's singing to Sinatra! ANDY (captivated) Get a load of this guy. TONY (bowing) EMCEE Five minutes per comedian. TONY EMCEE TONY I came here with da understandin' EMCEE Who want to go up. TONY Other performers! Who wants ta see We start hearing boos. TONY The Emcee does just that. TONY (yelling) Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me! I'll call a cop! Zmuda and Kaufman are hysterical. Tony is literally thrown outside by the seat of his pants. The place is in chaos. People are booing; the dog is barking and running loose. Kaufman and Zmuda step outside. Is speaking to Tony. TONY ANDY (interrupting) Tony, listen... would you consider playing TONY Whatta ya talkin' about? ANDY TONY (reaching in coat) Lemme check my book here. (pulls out datebook) October 24th... October 24th. Yeah, I'll do it for you. ANDY Well, that's great. Now, do You have any arrangements? TONY What kind a arrangements... Hotel arrangements? ANDY No, musical arrangements. TONY ANDY No, no Tony. TONY ANDY Yes, that's exactly what I want... Your full voice. TONY (rambling) You can savor da flavor in da mayvor in da payvor!! ANDY Yeah, Tony, that's great. ANDY So, it's all set... October 24th, You will be my opening act. They shake hands. ANDY (singing) “Don't be a Mister Milk Toast or you'll be put out...” A light turns red and they come to a stop. Soon another car pulls up beside them, and Zmuda nonchalantly looks in. The driver is none other than the same stagehand Marilyn took such a liking to. The thought alone makes Zmuda anxiously await the changing of the light. He looks again. This time he sees a woman's hand slithering up the stagehand's neck -- it belongs to Marilyn Comstack. She proceeds to lick the stagehand's ear. Zmuda protectively tries to block the view from Andy. But it's too late. Kaufman has seen everything. Zmuda stomps on the gas and runs the light, leaving behind a cloud of carbon dioxide... and Andy's “perfect” love. FADE OUT FADE IN ANDY (changed) TONY (singing) “I have often walked down this TONY (singing) “All at once am I -- several stories Feelin' good? (loud) Come on, wake up! Let's have a little reaction here. Say yeah! AUDIENCE (half-heartedly) Yeah. TONY (serious) Let's get one thing straight here, people... BACKSTAGE ANDY (to Zmuda) Look at them, they don't Know what to make of him. BACK TO TONY TONY TONY What's your name, please? MAN 1 Joe Lauer. TONY Joe Lauer as in... as in... a power... how's your power or howowya... how are ya... chihuahua... I got a little... chihuahua at home... (smirk, smirk) Miniature dog, like Lauer. TONY What's your name? M.J.R. Mary Jane Rodgers. TONY Like in Roy Rogers... Roy Rogers. Dale Evans... so, Mary Jane, how's Trigger? Y'know, your horse... come on, answer me... Come on, how's Trigger? TONY (whispering to her) Say back at da old ranch. M.J.R. Back at the old ranch. TONY (laughing) And what's your name? MEL SHERER Mel Sherer. TONY Mel Sherer as in.. sherer... let's see... Mel... as in Mel Brooks. (smirk, smirk) Ya right off the stage. (yelling) Understand? Compranday? Com-pran-day-vu? (calming down) TONY “If you're happy and you know it...” TONY What's your name again? MEL Mel. TONY Mel -- what's a matter, Can't you clap in rhythm. MEL I was thrown off. TONY Oh, you were thrown off! They clap. TONY “If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.” They clap. TONY “If you're happy and...” Mel mistakenly claps. TONY Okay, that does it... what are you... MEL I'm not working right now. TONY Workmen's compensation, MEL I hurt myself on the job. TONY What were ya doin'? MEL TONY MEL Workmen's compensation. TONY So that means ya sponge Off a people like me? MEL Compensation is. TONY, MEL Well, it's... TONY It's welfare! I work my tail off MEL No, that's not the... What? No! (looks at Mel's stomach) Bend down, show the people. (laughing) TONY TONY (laughing) MEL Yes, I do. TONY Well this is humor, pal. BACKSTAGE - GEORGE SHAPIRO GEORGE Andy, this isn't funny. ANDY George, don't you see the Drama that's unfolding? GEORGE Drama? This is shit! TONY TONY WOMAN I think you're disgusting! TONY WOMAN Entertain me! How could anyone find TONY And raise your babies. WOMAN You chauvinist pig! TONY TONY Lady, what are you doin'? WOMAN No! You said if I could come up here and... TONY Lady, I was only kiddin' around... it was a joke! WOMAN I want an apology! TONY Get off the stage. He shoves her. WOMAN Oh! I'm warning you, Don't try that again. TONY Get off the stage. He goes to shove her again but this time she grabs his arm and gives him a judo flip. The audience jumps to its feet and cheers. Tony is crawling around the floor. The Woman kicks him in the rump and he falls flat. TONY (begging; aside to Woman) Please... please, lady, lemme get up. BACKSTAGE - GEORGE SHAPIRO GEORGE I'm stopping this! TONY TONY For my next number... TONY What's goin' on here? What about my big close? TONY Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me. TONY You people shut up! You get me sick! TONY I just wanna say one thing... if I made Thank you and good night. ANDY ZMUDA Here's some more. The Herald: “Audience storms stage in Hollywood”. GEORGE Terrible! Just terrible! ZMUDA Here's another, The Times: “Last night ANDY (lost in thought) “The most obnoxious act in show biz history ”. Who was it that said, “It doesn't ZMUDA P.T. Barnum. GEORGE Andy, that is nothing to be proud of... People hated him. ANDY DISSOLVE TO PARK WEST THEATRE - MARQUEE DISSOLVE TO CUT TO BOX OFFICE “SOLD OUT” SIGN CUT TO CUT TO CUT TO COVER OF “TIME” MAGAZINE DISSOLVE TO DISSOLVE TO CUT TO CLOSEUP - MIKE WALLACE MIKE WALLACE TONY CLIFTON DOLL Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me. MIKE WALLACE SPECTATORS MALE COLLEGE STUDENT FEMALE CLIFTON GROUPIE TRUCK DRIVER Elvis who? (dismissing it) Clifton's crap... I come To throw things at him. FEMALE CLIFTON GROUPIE GAY MALE I think Clifton has his finger up America's... (he's bleeped) LITTLE OLD LADY (wearing hearing aid) I enjoy the way he sings. MIKE WALLACE Well, whatever the reason... one thing is for certain... Tony Clifton is a box office sensation... The show's about to start. MIKE WALLACE This is Mike Wallace... CBS News. Good night. DISSOLVE TO INT. DODGER STADIUM - NIGHT The stadium is empty and dark. Just a few hours before, Tony had just finished performing to 55, 000 screaming fans. Now he's on stage... alone. Feeling melancholy, he approaches a piano and starts to plink out a melody. With no one around, his singing isn't all that bad. TONY (singing) “In me you see a man alone behind Anna, I miss you so much. Tony hears a sound. TONY Hey! Who's there? CUT TO ANOTHER ANGLE - THE STADIUM ANDY No one, Tony... just me. TONY Oh, Mr. Kaufman, it's you. (embarrassed) ANDY TONY ANDY TONY ANDY See her! TONY Yeah. ANDY No problem, Tony... I'll take care of it. TONY (childish excitement) Ya will? ANDY What's her name? TONY ANDY (trying not to laugh) TONY ANDY TONY Ya will? ... Why thank you, Mr. Kaufman. Here's her phone number. Tony hands card to Andy. ANDY Now get some sleep. TONY Yes, sir. He starts to leave. ANDY Oh, Tony, just a minute. (hands him papers) TONY He leaves. ANDY Good night, Tony. ANDY “In me you see a man alone behind ANDY Sentimental slob. INT. WHITE HOUSE - GUESTS are being seated... lights go down. Out walks the President of the United States. Much applause. PRESIDENT PRESIDENT Than yours truly. PRESIDENT Mr. Tony Clifton. TONY TONY PRESIDENT (to aide) I want him off. TONY TONY TONY We should make 'em hostages until they lower the oil! Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me. Grab 'em, they don't even have green cards... Walkin' out with the china. CUT TO GUARD Just a minute, miss. What's your name? ANNA Anna Fingerhut. GUARD (checking list) Fingerhut... Fingerhut. Here it is... ANNA Thank you. GUARD You're welcome. INT. KAUFMAN'S NBC OFFICE ANDY And no matter what happens, ZMUDA We won't miss a thing. Hey, what's with the seal? ANDY (mysteriously) The seal's a surprise! ANDY Where's Tony now? ZMUDA In his room meditating, Just like you told him to. ANDY ZMUDA ANDY (stern) Go check again. (smile) Please. ANNA Excuse me, can you tell me ZMUDA ANNA Yes, I am. ZMUDA Anna this, Anna that. ANNA (flattered) Tony is a good man. ZMUDA Yeah, he is. (in direction of Kaufman's office) Though you wouldn't know it ANNA What do you mean? ZMUDA Nothing, just show biz. (changes subject) And watch the taping? ANNA Yes, I'd like to very much. ZMUDA I have to run now. Bye. ANNA Bye. ANDY Come in. Anna enters. ANNA Hello. ANDY (looking down) Yes, what is it? ANNA ANDY (looking up) But not getting it) ANNA Yes, I did. ANDY (walks to wine) ANNA (senses scam) No, thank you. ANDY (changing approach) ANDY ANNA You owe me nothing extra. ANDY I want my star to stay happy! ANNA No extras. ANDY (sensing put down) You understand. (hands her check) ANNA ANDY Who knows, maybe we could work out Some sort of arrangement. ANNA ZMUDA ANDY Is Igor here? ZMUDA He just arrived. ANDY (excited) Good! Go get that idiot, Clifton. We're starting the show. ZMUDA ZMUDA TONY (bowing) All your smilin' faces. The audience boos. TONY Audience laughs. TONY Do some of your rhymin'. TONY Oh, you want me to do some Of my famous rhymin'. Audience goes crazy. AUDIENCE MEMBER Sammy! TONY Sammy, let's see... Sammy... sounds just like Hammy! Audience laughs. TONY Okay, give me a word. AUDIENCE MEMBER Shine! TONY Shine... let's see. Shine... vine... kind... dine... fine... gine. (gradual pick up in tempo) ... hind, line, nine, pine, cline, rine... (fast now) Audience applauds. TONY As a matter of fact, AUDIENCE (yelling) Yeah! TONY All right... (singing) “A, B, C, D, E, F, G... H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P... Q, R, S, T, U, V... W, X, Y, Z. Now I said my A, B, C's... tell me what you think of me.” TONY Thank you, thank you. Now, without further ado, Miss Raquel Welch. TONY Audience giggles. RAQUEL Real good, Tony. TONY Fabricated human bein'. Audience laughs. TONY I heard you had a nose job, RAQUEL (standing up) I don't have to take this. She leaves. TONY Audience applauds. TONY TONY JOAN TONY He's a very cute little guy. Audience giggles. JOAN No... he's sort of quiet today. TONY Audience laughs. JOAN No, you shouldn't do that. TONY TONY Alone for a minute? ANDY Sure, Tony... ANDY (serious) What is it? TONY ANDY Tony, she was acting... TONY ANDY TONY (humbled) It does? ANDY TONY ANDY ANDY You see... here it is. TONY ANDY TONY ANDY Tony, trust me. (purposely changing subject) Oh, I almost forgot to tell you... Anna arrived. TONY (excited) She did! Where is she? ANDY Here's the key. (hands him key) I had everything arranged. Get out of here. Okay? TONY (almost childlike) TONY (to nearby prop man) Rudy! Here, take this. (tosses seal) RUDY ANDY (coldly) Ditch it! TONY (winking) STAGE MANAGER Five-four-three-two-one -- We're on the air. Applause. TONY (reading from paper) Okay, welcome back. My next TONY IGOR (broken English) Good... yes, good. Laughter. TONY So tell me, why is it you Like ta kill baby seals? IGOR Giggles. TONY Laughter. TONY Louder laughter. IGOR No eat bread butter... Eat beechuck whale blubber. Audience is in hysteria. TONY IGOR (rubbing eyes) Audience breaks up. TONY (to Audience) Audience roars. TONY (back to Igor) TONY Laughter. IGOR I club seal now? Louder laughter. JOAN What???? TONY Sure, go right ahead. TONY Okay, give him da seal. JOAN (shocked) I will not! TONY JOAN No!! Don't!!! IGOR He no feel! He no feel! I hit him good! TONY (to band) JOAN Please, someone help! The Audience is going wild. Zmuda runs out of the control room with some security guards. The baby seal, tired and out of breath, is sitting helplessly in the middle of the floor. Igor swings again. The club comes smashing down as Zmuda, in the nick of time, grabs the seal. The security guards grab Igor. Tony struts back and forth as the boos, but also laughter, get louder and louder. GEORGE (upset) This time you have gone too far... Thank God Bob save the seal From that maniac. ANDY GEORGE ANDY Oh -- you don't like it? GEORGE ANDY Thing too seriously. GEORGE ANDY Zmuda enters the room. GEORGE Andy, I'm warning you... something has got to change! ANDY (had enough) Yes, something does. (getting up) All right, George... you're fired. GEORGE What?! ANDY I said, you're fired. ZMUDA ANDY That's right... and I'm the man who Discovered Clifton. (to George) So... why do I need him? GEORGE (almost relieved) You don't need me, Andy... you don't need anyone any more... you've got it all. You're right at the top... ANDY (triumphant) I don't have to, George. 'Cause I ain't never comin' down. George walks to the door. GEORGE ZMUDA (fondly) Talk to you later, George. George leaves. From out in the hall we hear: GEORGE'S VOICE Yahooooo!! Zmuda laughs to himself. ANDY (catches him) ZMUDA Yourself up over her. CUT TO Getting off elevator. He is carrying a small bouquet of daisies. He walks down a long hall and stops in front of a double door marked, “Suite 2241”. He reaches in his pocket and takes out a key. He is just about to put the key in the keyhole, thinks twice, puts the key back in his pocket and decides to knock first. He is just about to knock, thinks twice about that also. TONY (to himself) Tony, take it easy... calm down. He reaches in his coat for the Purple Passion. We hear the familiar theme. Tony unscrews the top, turns the bottle over, but only one precious drop drips out. We hear the sax discord down the scale and die. TONY What a time to run outta Purple Passion! ANNA Tony! TONY (loss for words) Hi. ANNA Would you like to come in? TONY Yeah, if it's okay. ANNA TONY Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He enters. INT. HOTEL ROOM piano, wetbar, everything... very posh. TONY Wow, what a layout! (spots vase with bouquet of roses) INSERT NOTE “To Tony and Anna -- Have a wonderful weekend, “if you know what I mean” -- Andy Kaufman BACK TO TONY ANNA Is that for me? TONY What? ANNA TONY Oh, that. (pulling out flowers) It's nothin'. It's just some old... ANNA TONY (excited) They are? (sheepishly) They're for you then. (hands her flowers) ANNA TONY (flustered) Well... let's see... you're here... I could hardly believe it... I'm sorta at a loss for words... What would ya like ta do? ANNA TONY (unenthusiastic) Oh, that. ANNA Tony, what's the matter? TONY Well... ta tell ya the truth, Anna... I'm gettin' a little sick a... Tony Clifton. ANNA TONY ANNA Tony, you should do what you want to do. What makes you happy? TONY I don't even know any more... ANNA Well, think. TONY ... Well, ah... you make me happy... ANNA Besides me, Tony. TONY Well... I don't know... let's see, ANNA There you are. What else? TONY Let's see... amusement parks... ANNA You want. Have some fun. TONY A few chuckles. ANNA That's the spirit! TONY Will you come with me? ANNA Of course I will. TONY (excited) You will? Great! Let's see, the first thing Tony goes into the bedroom. TONY (o.s.) It'll be just like old times... the ferris wheel, cotton candy... I'll even win ya a kewpie doll... I'll see Bugsy, Aunty Deb... WAITER (very proper) Good evening, miss. ANNA WAITER (shocked at Tony's attire) My word! TONY What's all this? WAITER Compliments of Mr. Kaufman. TONY Oh, Kaufman again. (gets idea) I'll tell ya what, my good man... I want ya ta sit right down here... (sits Waiter at table) Here, take your shoes off. WAITER Anna giggles. TONY WAITER I beg your pardon, sir? TONY What do you do ta have fun? WAITER Fun... well, I don't have fun, sir. TONY No fun?! Well, you're gonna have Weekend. There's a limo and driver downstairs... they're yours. ANNA Do you have a girl friend? WAITER ANNA Well, give her these. ANNA Oh, I almost forgot... WAITER But where are you going? TONY Anna smiles. FADE OUT FADE IN OPEN HIGHWAY - DAY B.g. music up. Riding along the highway in a peach-colored '57 Chevy convertible, with its top down, are Tony and Anna. We can almost feel the warm country breeze, carrying with it the fresh euphoric scent of the wide open spaces. THIS is what life's all about. MONTAGE OF TONY AND ANNA HAVING “FUN” Water skiing, skeet shooting, riding horses; enjoying the rides at a county fair... Tony wins Anna a kewpie doll; late night dining and dancing. DISSOLVE TO EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT- SIGN The Hunchback, played by Charles Laughton, is tied to a pillary. He is being whipped unmercifully as the unfeeling townspeople throw garbage at him. Anna, with tears in her eyes, buries her head into Tony. Tony, fighting to hold back his own tears, continues to watch. The poor Hunchback calls out for water, but nobody will give him any. Nobody until Esmeralda (a beautiful peasant gypsy) mounts the pillary. The crowd goes silent. She brings a cup of water to his lips as he pathetically and lovingly looks up at her. TONY ANNA FADE OUT FADE IN PEE WEE (bragging) KONWAY (disgusted; he's heard this before) PEE WEE Dat's right... how did you know that. That's just how it was... Like a ham sandwich. AUNTY DEB Sounds more to me like a turkey sandwich. PEE WEE (upset) What do you mean by that? AUNTY DEB (laughing) You know what I mean. PEE WEE (starting to fight) No, I don't know what you mean... 'splain yo' sef. AUNTY DEB What the heck was... AUNTY DEB Bugsy, what's gotten... CUT TO TONY TONY (softly) Hi, Bugsy. BUGSY (overwhelmed) Hi, Ton. AUNTY DEB Lordy all mighty... it's Tony... dun come back! TONY Long time no see... BUGSY Yeah... long time no see. TONY (looking around) Same old place. BUGSY AUNTY DEB KONWAY (mumbling) Yeah, I remember. BUGSY Yeah, Tony! On TV... you were TONY That here, remember? BUGSY TONY (serious) BUGSY You too, Ton. TONY Are you happy? BUGSY Well, yeah... it's all right... TONY Coulda ya do me a favor? BUGSY TONY Ya think I could try the old... (making screwing gesture) BUGSY Sure... go ahead! TONY Thanks, Bugs, I needed that. Hey, listen... things are gettin' pretty busy for me lately... BUGSY (not one to speak up) Yeah, Ton? TONY BUGSY TONY No, it's not charity... I mean it. Please, Bugs. I need ya. BUGSY Well, since you put it that way... (smiling) I accept. AUNTY DEB Hallelujah! Bugsy done got his freedom! TONY AUNTY DEB TONY AUNTY DEB That's the Lord's truth. I accept... befo' you come ta your senses, child! BUGSY When do we start? TONY Right now. I got a car Waitin' outside. Let's go. PEE WEE Hey, wait a second dere... How about me? TONY What about you? PEE WEE It would change your life. TONY You ripped me off. PEE WEE Ain't what it used ta be? TONY Tony turns to leave. PEE WEE Wait a minute... I'd just like ta Say one thing, if I may. TONY (stopping) TONY Okay... you can come too. PEE WEE Thank You, boss... thank ya. CLOSEUP - KONWAY alone now, working. For the first time we see a different side of him. He appears somewhat saddened. He senses someone and looks up... it's Tony. TONY (softly) You come, too. Konway looks straight into Tony's eyes for the first time ever. Words are not necessary. They leave together, walking down the long narrow aisle of the factory. When they reach the door that opens to the outside, Konway turns and takes one final look at the last twenty years of his life. Tony puts his arm around him and they leave. Round bed that puts Hefner's to shame. Built-in wetbar, stereo, a very erotic painting adorning the wall, etc. Kaufman is in bed wearing silk pajamas and gold chains around his neck. Sharing the bed with him are Mary and X-mas, two sisters whose motto is, “double your pleasure, double your fun”. Kaufman is doing just that. There is a knock on the door. Kaufman continues to make out. Another knock. ANDY (yelling) Dammit! Just a second! ANDY Who is it? ZMUDA It's me... Zmuda. ANDY I'm busy. ZMUDA (holding up check) This just came in the mail, ANDY What is it? ZMUDA She sent it back. ZMUDA It looks like she endorsed it... ANDY What? Give me that check. (grabs check; stares at signature) Smart lady... She's playing him For the big bucks. ZMUDA Oh, come on. ANDY ZMUDA Okay. (whispering) ANDY (doing Elvis) Two of 'em... I don't want to be ANDY The winner gets me. ANDY (abruptly; into intercom) I thought I told you... ZMUDA'S VOICE Clifton's here. ANDY Clifton! What the hell does he want? Tell him I'm meditating. ZMUDA'S VOICE I think you better see him... ANDY (shocked) Not wearing the tux! And then send him in. (to girls) ANDY Not that way... the back! He slaps one on the ass on the way out. They leave. He walks over to the central control panel and pushes a button. The room mechanically changes. The bed disappears and is replaced by a straw mat. The wetbar rolls into a wall and a juicer with a basket of fresh carrots appears. The erotic art on the wall turns over, revealing a picture of a guru in the lotus position. As Andy begins to change his clothes: ANDY (to himself) ANDY (friendly) Just a second, please. Kaufman has put on a pair of pants and a sweatshirt that reads: “I Love Grandma”. He walks over and opens the door. Tony is standing there with a very determined look on his face. He is not wearing the tux. ANDY (big smile) Tony enters. ANDY I was just meditating... TONY No, Mr. Kaufman. (to the point) I've been doin' some talkin' ta Anna lately and... ANDY Yes, Tony? TONY I've decided... ANDY TONY Well, I was thinkin' maybe I could do... a movie. ANDY A movie! TONY Yeah. The other night I was watchin' ANDY (puzzled) You must be referring to... “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”. TONY Yeah, that's it! “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”. Wadda, wadda... that's the movie I ANDY (trying not to laugh) Tony! “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” Wait a second. (the idea sinks in) “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”... (excited) TONY Ya do? ANDY Yes... it's wonderful. I can just see it... you playing Quasimoto... the king of fools... TONY Yeah... it'll be my dramatic debut. ANDY Oh, it certainly will... (into it) I'll even direct it myself. TONY I'm glad ya liked the idea. ANDY Like the idea! I love the idea! (leading Tony to the door) TONY I can't seem ta remember my mantra. ANDY TONY (stepping into hall) Well, thanks for everything... Andy. ANDY Don't mention it... Tony. Bye. ANDY (into phone) Hello, operator... I'd like to place a CUT TO EXT. MOVIE THEATRE There is a spectacular Hollywood premier in progress. Kleig lights, red carpets, thousands of fans, limos arriving with “big name” stars. We see a gigantic marquee that reads: “Andy Kaufman Presents Tony Clifton in THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME”. Kaufman's extravagant limo pulls up. Kaufman and the two sisters step out. They are all dressed in peach tuxedos. The fans go crazy -- Kaufman yells to them. ANDY (in Latka's voice) Dank you veddy much. TONY (raising fist) Ah, shut up! INT. THEATRE LOBBY PHOTOGRAPHER TONY Well... I'm here with my friends. ANNA We'll be inside. BUGSY Yeah, Tony... we'll save you a seat. TONY KONWAY TONY Thanks, Konway. PEE WEE Well, let's get a move on. AUNTY DEB TONY ANNA Sure, Tony. (to the gang) I'll meet you all inside. The others leave. ANNA What is it? TONY I just wanna say that... (nervous cough) This is the most important day in my life... ANNA TONY ANNA (straightening Tony's tie) TONY (smiling) Whatever you say, dear. Tony leaves. DISSOLVE TO EXT. MOVIE THEATRE CUT TO At first we see only the back of the suffering Hunchback tied to a rotating pillary. He is wearing a peach colored peasant shirt. The townspeople in the film are laughing at him. Our camera pulls back, revealing the crowd in the movie theatre doing the same. As the pillary turns the Hunchback into view, we see it is Tony Clifton. His face has been deformed to look ridiculous. One eye has been placed in the center of his forehead and two of his teeth curve upward like elephant tusks. To make matters worse, there is a Lucky Strike dangling from his mouth. Even if we don't want to laugh, we do. HUNCHBACK Wadda... wadda... wadda... The audience is hysterical. People are rolling in aisles and slapping the floor. Anna and the gang look around, confused. On the screen we see a henchman wearing a black mask. He begins to whip the Hunchback. Every time the whips meets flesh, he lets out an agonizing “ouch”. One audience member is laughing to hard he has to leave. He runs up the aisle, passing Tony, who has been watching from the back. CLOSEUP - TONY'S FACE TONY (to himself) ANDY ANDY Yes, Grandma... it's very nice He hangs up. TONY (out of breath) Mr. Kaufman... you... gotta... stop this. ANDY Stop what, Tony? TONY Stop what? ... Why da movie... they're laughin'. ANDY Oh, that! (closes door) TONY Not pay it any mind... but it's suppose ta... but, it's suppose ta be a serious film. ANDY (as if forgetting and suddenly remembering) Oh, yes... it was, wasn't it? (takes out cigar) TONY Win some and lose some... I gotta stop it. Tony makes a move to leave. ANDY (strong) Stay where you are. ANDY TONY I don't wanna. ANDY I said, sit down. Tony slowly does. ANDY Good. ANDY Do you remember... TONY Sure... you were known for that. ANDY That's right... that's what I was known for... dank you veddy much. (louder) ANDY “Get-cha-hands-off-me”. Five little words, Tony -- your gimmick. TONY ANDY (laughing) An artist! Theyre are no artists, Tony! They all died of starvation, ANDY (continuing) TONY I'm not a buffoon jerkoff... ANDY (sadistic) TONY (stands) I'm... I'm me... I'm Tony Clifton... ANDY It won't do you any good, Tony... You see, TONY Anna warned me about you... But I wouldn't believe her. ANDY (derisively) Anna! (walking to desk) Tony, Tony, Tony... ANDY I believe you'll recognize The signature on the back. ANDY TONY (screaming) Stop the movie! Stop the movie! TONY Stop laughin'... this isn't a joke! You people don't understand... CUT TO On phone. PROJECTIONIST I understand, Mr. Kaufman... PROJECTIONIST You stay away from that! Konway hauls off and slugs the man, who falls limp to the floor. Konway then attempts to shut off the projector. Now knowing how, he pulls a fire ax off the wall and begins to smash it. The projector starts sparking... and comes to a halt. MOVIE TONY Listen... listen ta me. We've all been duped. He's not what he seems ta be... Kaufman is a... A tomato hits Tony smack in the middle of the face. He falls to the ground. The audience jumps to its feet. We see Kaufman preparing to throw another one, as ushers are running down the aisles handing out baskets of tomatoes to the crowd. ANDY (chanting) Hit the hunch, hit the hunch, hit the hunch... The audience, now thoroughly convinced this must all be planned, begins to unleash a fury of flying tomatoes. Tony is struck repeatedly. He struggles to rise to his feet, only to be knocked down again and again. The audience has gone wild. This is more than mere audience participation... it is a vindictive mob that has fallen into Kaufman's trap. After the last remaining missiles have found their target, the audience is left not only spent, but almost ashamed. For lying lifelessly before them, in a tomato strewn heap in the center of the stage, is Tony Clifton, their superstar, their five-syllable-easily-remembered-buffoon... who has just now become... their victim. Thunder resounds outside. We see Anna in tears being comforted by Bugsy. Kaufman has a grin of immense satisfaction on his face... and then... Tony begins to move. The audience stirs. TONY TONY I... I feel sorry for you people... Tony walks off through the wings. The camera follows him and for the first time we are made aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens. A movie within a movie. Camera tremor is evident and we begin to see equipment and crew in the shot. Tony walks up to Zmuda, who appears taken aback with the authenticity of the moment. TONY (emotionally) SLOW FADE FADE IN INT. EDITING ROOM - KAUFMAN the filmmaker, is seated at a Steenbeck editing console. Frozen on the console screen is the footage of what we have just seen. Kaufman turns straight to the camera and speaks: ANDY At Cedar Sinai Hospital in In the completion of “The Tony Clifton Story”. The camera moves in closer. ANDY In memory of Tony... and in all due Mr. Tony Clifton. FADE OUT READER'S NOTE: From now until the end of the film, Andy not only plays himself, but also Tony Clifton. No attempt whatsoever has been made to make him look like Tony except for a moustache and hairpiece. Even the tuxedo hangs loosely from his frame. His portrayal of Tony is exaggerated, to say the least. The film continues where it just left off. FADE IN EXT. STAGE DOOR - TONY (played by Andy) running out of the door, into the rain. He hails a cab, jumps inside and speeds away. ANOTHER ANGLE - TONY runs from plane to plane checking to see if any keys are left in the ignition. He finds one, jumps inside and starts flipping and pushing instruments, obviously not knowing what he's doing. The engine starts and the plane heads down the runway and takes off. The plane climbs, dips, climbs, dips and finally ascends into the clouds... TIME LAPSE TONY'S PLANE flying in the clouds. Over this, newspaper headlines, spinning to f.g., “Clifton Quits -- Steals Plane”. Time lapse... plane in flight... “Clifton's Plane Still Missing”. Time lapse... plane in flight... “Tony Lost At Sea -- Feared Dead”. Plane still in flight as we hear... the jungle drums. INT. NATIVE VILLAGE Same ritual that took place in the beginning of the film is taking place again. The Chief Headhunter looks up and speaks: CHIEF HEADHUNTER Ola Mu Ta. Soon we hear a plane's engines failing and... the crash. CUT TO CRASH SIGHT - TONY'S PLANE crumbled up into a ridiculous smoldering ball... surely no one survived. The door falls off and Tony steps out, unharmed. He looks at the thick forboding jungle before him. TONY Must be Central Park. TONY Yep. I was right. They circle around him. TONY Hey, look guys... I got no change. TONY Hey, take it easy, pal... Two more natives poke him. ANDY The way I see it, fellas... (pause) ... if you don't have green cards... It's all right with me. TONY Come on, guys... TONY (screaming) Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me... I'll call a cop. Sitting behind desk. WALTER CRONKITE Hello, this is Walter Cronkite... From presidents to popes to assembly line workers in Philadelphia... ZMUDA According to the latest sales figures... ANDY How are tickets going for the Forest Lawn concert... (correcting himself) I mean, services? ZMUDA Went on sale at five-thirty this morning... Sold out two hours later. ANDY Great! Release the rest to the scalpers, At triple the price. ZMUDA Gotchya. (starts to walk away) ANDY And do me a favor... ZMUDA (stopping) Sure, what? ANDY (referring to the tux) Put on something else. ANDY Okay, let's try it again... and remember, men... It's up to you to keep the legend of Tony alive... They applaud exuberantly. ANDY First, the cigarettes and strut... ANDY Okay... Getcha hands off me. CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES (strutting) Getcha hands off me. ANDY I'll call a cop. CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES (in unison) I'll call a cop. ANDY So, I'm eatin' this bowl a noodles in Cologne... TONY So, I'm eatin' this bowl a noodles in Cologne... Camera pulls back to reveal Tony in a large pot of water with a fire lit underneath. The savages are eagerly awaiting the outcome. They are wearing fine French napkins around their necks and grasping silverware... probably left over from the Amelia Earhart crash. One native is chopping carrots into the “stew”. Tony speaks to him. TONY Don't skimp, my good man... you wanna be able to savor my flavor. Even in his last minutes, Tony is “cookin'.” TONY TONY (continuing) ... I thought I'd go out on a song... The Natives do. TONY “Wonderin' in the night, what were NATIVES “Do-be-do-be-do”? TONY Ya wanna hold it down, please... TONY (scared) What are you doin'? Please, don't! TONY (dazed) Oh... I must be dreamin'. Tony's eyes open and slowly begin to focus in... he sees the skull. Tony screams -- so do the Natives. NATIVES Do-be-do-be-do! Tony faints dead away... a few beats go by and he begins to come around. TONY (eyes closed) Uh, oh... I'm wakin' up again. I hope I don't see... what I just saw... TONY Wait a second... dat ain't me... (pinching face) ... Dis is. What's goin' on around... (spots Sinatra cut-out) FRANK!! NATIVES (loud) Do-be-do-be-do. TONY (testing them) Do... be. NATIVES Do... be. TONY Do... be. NATIVES Do... be. TONY (softly) Do. NATIVES (exuberantly) Do-be-do-be-do. TONY (figuring it out) Oh... I get it... you think I'm... Well, well, well, welllll! TONY Dis is more like it... Do-be-do-be-dooooooo. (spots beautiful native girls) Yeah, things are beginnin' to shape up around here... NEWSBOY (o.s.) Extra... extra... read all about it! TONY What's that? EXT. NATIVE VILLAGE NEWSBOY Extra... extra... read all about it... Clifton burial to be held... TONY Hey, boy, come here. TONY What's this all about? NEWSBOY Golly, mister. Haven't you heard... they're holdin' Tony Clifton's funeral tomorrow! TONY What are you talkin' about! ... Give me one of those... (grabs paper; reads aloud) “Services will be held tomorrow for Tony Clifton... Tickets can NEWSBOY DISSOLVE TO ANDY (laying it on thick) Best friend. Mourning in the b.g. ANDY Tony need not be forgotten. From behind podium) VOICE (o.s.) (yelling) You creep! TONY (yelling) That's him, fellas -- grab him! ANDY (pleading) Tony, please! Look, I'll give you a third of the money! I'm a nice guy... TONY Do this for a long time. Tony takes a major league windup and belts Kaufman right in the kisser. Kaufman goes flying straight up in the air, then falls down and lands in Tony's freshly dug grave. Dazed, he tries to crawl out, only to be clunked over the head with a shovel swung by the Chief Headhunter. Kaufman crosses his eyes and slithers back down. The Natives let out a bloodcurdling “do-be-do-be-do”. Everyone else applauds. Tony struts jubilantly back and forth. TONY Justice is done... justice is done. Every dog will have his day... Hammy - Sammy... noodles for everyone. TONY VOICE (o.s.) Getcha hands off her. Tony (played by Andy) turns to see who this voice belongs to. We see it is the real Tony Clifton... he has returned! Once more we are aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens. TONY Kaufman, where do you get off... ANDY Keep the camera going -- this is gold! TONY (belligerently; to crew) ANDY TONY Oh... I get to punch you out? ... Well, maybe I really should. Yeah, that's it! ... 'Cept this time you're In Technicolor. ANDY Tony! TONY (strong) Shut up! Kaufman does. TONY The Tony Clifton Story”. What bullshit! This movie Has nothin' whatsoever to do with my life... it's total fabrication... that Kaufman made up! (mockingly) Hammy - Sammy... wadda, wadda... TONY (continuing, to Andy) And where do you get off tellin' Was forty-five years old? (getting mad) I oughtta give you five across the face... (a few in the crowd snicker) TONY (tenderly) I just wanna tell ya... that I met Chickens for all I care. 'Cause honey, I love ya. ANNA Oh, Tony! ... I love you, too! They embrace and kiss lovingly, tears streaming down both of their faces. We hear a lone musical intro. Tony and Anna turn to see who is playing. It's Pee Wee on a harmonica, tears streaming down his face too. Tony begins to sing. TONY (singing) “We always have a roof above us We have someone to love us, we're sure of getting far.” TONY (continuing, singing) “You don't need a lot of log and stone, build a home on happiness...” (falsetto) Alone. (loud) CHORUS “With a million little stars With an optimistic feeling when we build a little home.” TONY “Every single little dream Is a shingle or a rafter. Soon it turns into a grand scale musical finale, complete with grave diggers singing and digging in rhythm to the music. The elephant dances in circles. We see caskets spring open as corpses sit up and harmonize. Kaufman takes off for the hills, only to be chased back by the strutting Clifton-Lookalikes, followed by the Natives, all carrying large green cards, followed by tap-dancing bottles of Purple Passion, followed by a gigantic cake on wheels that ominously approaches Kaufman, stopping a few feet from him. The inscription on the cake reads, “To Kaufman, From Tony”. The cake begins to vibrate and out pops Marilyn Comstack. Kaufman is stunned. TONY ANDY No, I can't. TONY Tell her!! ANDY (to Marilyn; haltingly) One thing... I know for sure... MARILYN I love you, too. EVERYONE (singing) “With a million little stars With an optimistic feeling TONY BLACK OUT THE END
THE TONY CLIFTON STORY Second Draft Screenplay by ANDY KAUFMAN & BOB ZMUDA January 1, 1980 PRODUCERS George Shapiro Howard West Transcribed by DON ALEX HIXX SUBTERRANEAN CINEMA http: //www.subcin.com
THE TONY CLIFTON STORY FADE IN EXT. DEEP AND DARKEST AFRICA We see the war of the wind as it wrestles against the forest. The weakness of the tree, the strength of the bush. We hear the persistent beat of the drum as it draws us deeper and deeper into the pulsating heart of the jungle. “CONGO - THE PRESENT” is supered on the screen. EXT. CANNIBAL VILLAGE Made up of thatched huts and weathered reminders of lost aircraft. We see the inhabitants of this village -- totally uncivilized black savages. Ubangi lips, bones through noses and carved faces. A ritual is taking place. A huge pot of water is being heated. Skulls impaled upon lances, some still wearing aviation goggles, stare piteously down upon the occasion. Just now, a wild enticing dance is taking place. Bodies are sweating. The water begins to boil. TRIBAL DANCERS |
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