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Well, let's get a move on.
I don't wanna miss da comin' attractions. AUNTY DEB Dere ain't no comin' attractions, dummy. Dis here is a premier. TONY Anna, can I talk t'ya a moment? ANNA Sure, Tony. (to the gang) I'll meet you all inside. The others leave. ANNA What is it? TONY I just wanna say that... (nervous cough) This is the most important day in my life... And I'm happy I'm sharin' it with you. ANNA You're a wonderful man, Tony. TONY As a matter of fact, after the movie, Dere's somethin' special I wanna ask ya. Anna, almost realizing what it might be, smiles and kisses him. ANNA (straightening Tony's tie) Now you go and get your picture taken. TONY (smiling) Whatever you say, dear. Tony leaves. INT. THEATRE - A FEW MINUTES LATER Filled to capacity. House lights go down. Projector starts up. DISSOLVE TO EXT. MOVIE THEATRE The camera holds on the facade of the building. At first silence, then we hear the sound of uproarious laughter coming from within. It becomes louder and more frequent. CUT TO INT. MOVIE THEATRE - THE SCREEN At first we see only the back of the suffering Hunchback tied to a rotating pillary. He is wearing a peach colored peasant shirt. The townspeople in the film are laughing at him. Our camera pulls back, revealing the crowd in the movie theatre doing the same. As the pillary turns the Hunchback into view, we see it is Tony Clifton. His face has been deformed to look ridiculous. One eye has been placed in the center of his forehead and two of his teeth curve upward like elephant tusks. To make matters worse, there is a Lucky Strike dangling from his mouth. Even if we don't want to laugh, we do. HUNCHBACK Wadda... wadda... wadda... The audience is hysterical. People are rolling in aisles and slapping the floor. Anna and the gang look around, confused. On the screen we see a henchman wearing a black mask. He begins to whip the Hunchback. Every time the whips meets flesh, he lets out an agonizing “ouch”. One audience member is laughing to hard he has to leave. He runs up the aisle, passing Tony, who has been watching from the back. CLOSEUP - TONY'S FACE A man whose dream is turning into a nightmare right before his very eyes. TONY (to himself) It's not supposed to be funny. Somebody's gotta do somethin'. Someone's gotta stop this! He runs into the lobby. Roars of laughter follow him. INT. THEATRE OFFICE - KAUFMAN Sitting on the edge of a desk, talking on the phone. ANDY Can you hear the laughter? It's a hit, baby! I told you, fucker, not To make a presale to TV. Now, I want ten mil for one run... Let's stick it to those network assholes. The door flies open and Clifton rushes into the room. Andy changes his voice. ANDY Yes, Grandma... it's very nice You called. I love you too, bye. He hangs up. TONY (out of breath) Mr. Kaufman... you... gotta... stop this. Kaufman walks towards the open door. ANDY Stop what, Tony? TONY Stop what? ... Why da movie... they're laughin'. ANDY Oh, that! (closes door) I wouldn't pay it any mind, Tony. TONY Not pay it any mind... but it's suppose ta... but, it's suppose ta be a serious film. ANDY (as if forgetting and suddenly remembering) Oh, yes... it was, wasn't it? (takes out cigar) Well, you win some, you lose some. TONY Win some and lose some... I gotta stop it. Tony makes a move to leave. ANDY (strong) Stay where you are. Tony, never hearing this tone from Kaufman before, stops in his tracks. ANDY Tony, I think the time has come for me to tell you... the facts of life... sit down. TONY I don't wanna. ANDY I said, sit down. Tony slowly does. ANDY Good. He lights his cigar and settles down to tell “his story”. ANDY Do you remember... Dank you veddy much? Do you? TONY Sure... you were known for that. ANDY That's right... that's what I was known for... dank you veddy much. (louder) Dank you veddy much. Do you think For one moment I liked doing that? A grown man walking around going, “dank you veddy much, dank you Veddy much”. Have you any idea What it does to you, to say that Asinine phrase, in that nauseating, |
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